The Cure-All

I think in the shower.  It’s the perfect place to simply think as I run through the motions of washing my hair.  My thoughts have been consumed lately with a friend of mine who recently discovered he was diabetic.  He is working on getting his sugar levels under control before he goes to the doc to hear the inevitable.  Meds are no fun to be tied down to, not at 27, not ever.  He is sore from his new exercise routine and he is still trying to get over a cold, making it more difficult to drag his butt out of bed and hit the elliptical at the crack of dawn.  (He did it though!)  But I am a problem solver, which is why this occupies my mind. Not only with this friend, but with every problem- I search for answers.  My problems, his problems, all problems- there is an answer that awaits, just waiting to be discovered. Which lead to my discovery:  

RUNNING IS MY CURE-ALL.

{Power in pink!  Me and Kirsten}

  I, too, have been fighting a cold.  So yesterday, I laced my Brooks running shoes, put on all my warm winter running gear and hit the roads for 3.5 miles, beating the congestion right out of my head and snapping my body back into reality.  Did it work?  Absolutely!  Just like is has for the past 15 years!  The fresh air, taking deep breathes, waking up my muscles from the drowsiness of a cold.  I felt alive after conquering a horrific hill and opening my stride as I flew downhill to my destination.  And wow!  To spit, the schmaltzy runner spit, into the winds of Wyoming seeing it carry for so many yards is quite rewarding, I do admit.  I was a little fatigued after my wonderful run, but I felt HUMAN again. I felt free from sickness and snot. I felt rejuvenated.  Dude, I just felt so good! 

{Me and my son Hyrum}

Not just colds, running is my cure-all for so much more.  I look back at past struggles, like feeling overwhelmed.  It happens to me ALL.THE.TIME.  Some things are so out of my control, but those things seem to have so much control over me.  It drives me nuts!  Like when my husband got laid off- there was nothing I could do to get his job back.

{Super Awesome Husband Brad and me}

I am a stay at home mom- how do I find a way to replace an engineers income?  And you know what, I married a man has the courage to face this battle with his chest puffed out and do what he can to fulfill the responsibility he set for himself and not put the burden on me.  I had control over grocery budget and not buying that splendid shirt that is on clearance, but so much was out of my control.  What do I do to handle all the tension and fear and captivity of financial hardship?  I run.  It gives me something I have control over.  I control my speed.  I control my distance. My breathing.  My thoughts.  I zone out from the pattern of my pace and it becomes clear as I look out past the horizon and pray to a loving God, and hope enters my heart in the solace of a run.

{My and Hyrum running the Dam Race}

Depression, sadness, loneliness, heartache, discouragement…  Oh man, I've been through it.  Maybe not the exact same situation as everyone else, but feeling those to the core can eat me a l i v e.  I had a race planned a couple days after a wonderful cousin surprisingly passed away. 

{Chase's Funeral}

Hardest run ever.  The sadness weighed on my heart and it showed in my form.  With only a mile left in the 5k, my heart was sunken and my shoulders were tight.  I was having horrible pains in my back from getting hit by a truck when out running a couple months prior.  I felt so many bad emotions all wrapped up inside me.  I was sad that my cousin was not alive to raise his small children and pamper his beautiful wife. I was wretched that I didn't spend the time I wanted to spend with him.  As with every death, I start missing my sweet mom deeply.  

{Me and My mommy}

I was angry at the guy who naïvely ran into me.  I was mad at the cop who never issued a ticket to him for the hit and run. I was mad at the city for hiring such a cop to enforce the law. The incident replayed in my mind; seeing the "walk", entering the intersection, the weight of his truck against my left side, my hands miraculously, almost instinctively, gripping onto his grill for dear life,  hearing myself screaming and frantically wondering why he isn't looking up to see me, why he isn't stopping! The feeling in my stomach of being on a roller coaster, carried in a joltingly different direction then I was ready for, a horn honking to the right as that driver screamed from her SUV. Then he turned, finally seeing me, in the middle of his truck.  His eyes- HUGE- he obviously had no idea he hit me 10 feet ago.  His head jerked up, his hand that once lay relaxed just out his window also tensed in an upward motion.  He must have stopped long enough for me to get off his truck. The next thing I remember was his tail lights as he drove off, as I stood in the road.  Then the pain that set in after he hit me was setting in again in my back at that moment, just like every other run. The insurance and legal mess, the bills all weighting down on me.  On top of that, I hated where we lived, a small stinky apartment. I longed for a house and yard for my boys. I missed old friends.

{Murdock 17 with Carolyn}

 My heart ached for my kids who struggled finding new friends in this small town.  I was frustrated with my husband’s recent diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes. All the problems from the past year were drowning me and the recent death of my cousin Chase just dunked me deeper in the ocean of doubt and hurt.  I felt like I was being swept away in an under toe of a ruthless life. It was a bad moment.  And I was tired.  And I was running- and I wasn't feeling the love.  But running does something to me.  It gives me clarity.  And at that moment, things started to become clear. 

  From feeling like a bus was about to crash into me to realizing that I had been lifted above the imminent emotional collision.  I realized the strength I had within me.  I could get through this.  These feelings and pains weren't going to hold me down.  They weren't going to slow me down.  I've got this.  And I’m not alone.  I have a cousin in heaven, who, I felt, was cheering for me.  A mom, who not only saved me from death by guiding my hands to the grill of the Duramax diesel truck and giving me the strength to hold on, she was also there encouraging me.  I have a Savior, even Jesus Christ, who felt all I was feeling.  He knew at that moment all that was crashing down on me inside and He knew my pains.  I felt there are generations of ancestors that cared about me and shouted for joy with my accomplishments and walked, or ran, by my side in my deepest hour. Finishing that race, was like conquering Mt. Everest in my mind.

 Not only did I conquer my 5k that day, I conquered a lot of anger and depression and doubt, and came off a finisher of faith. My perspective might seem crazy to 99.9% of the human race, but I am a believer.  And a runner.

{Carolyn -bff- and me}

Days when I feel down on myself, like I don’t measure up or looking in the mirror makes me want to cry, I run.  It gives me a boost, just like kale in my Jamba Juice Smoothie.  It gives me some confidence and clarity- that I can handle this and it’s gonna be ok!

{Did I say 4? I meant 5 crazy boys}

As a mom of four boys, it’s crazy.  I love it!  But some days- like when my two year old discovers how seriously cool it is to whip it out and pee on a basketball in the middle of a gym in front of a crowd of people, I might feel like a break would be nice.  So I run.

{Bryan}

I run with my boys when they had a bad day- it gives us one on one time to talk it over and figure out what really matters. 

{Finishing the Utah Valley Marathon with Kirstin}

I run for good health.  I have energy and endurance because I run.  Type 2 diabetes- eat my dust!

{Ina -running partner from 15 years ago and bff-, Me, Hyrum and Maegan -Super awesome SIL-}

I run when I’m happy- those are my best runs. I always feel overjoyed with love for God, the beauty of nature, the laughter of friends and my amazing ability to spit so far (just keepin’ it real).

{High school running partners}

I run with so many of my greatest friends.  They are some of our best times together.  Runs become an adventure!  An outlet.  A battery recharger. And it fulfills my need for thrills!  Thank goodness!

{Kirstin and I before we started a marathon}

Running is so much a part of my life and who I am.

{Cross Country photo 15 yrs old}

Obstacles have come in my running vocation.  I passed out a number of times as a youth, and thought I would never be able to run again.  Later I realized it was because emotionally I was going through so much dealing with my mom having terminal cancer, my body would just give out.  

{My mom and Hyrum a few months before she died}

I have had 4 c-sections to come back from, knee problems, stress fractures, shin splints, toe nails ripped off, hip flexor problems, and that constant battle scar pain from that Duramax ever looming in my upper back.  I've worked through it, treated my injuries and continued on my path.  Life is full of obstacles, just because my cure-all has obstacles doesn't mean I give up.

{Carolyn and me}

Running has taught me to not give up, not when you’re conquering a marathon, not when you’re conquering a trial.

{We just needed to sit after the marathon- cause sometimes after a Marathon or trial, you need a rest}

I will never hesitate to say I am a runner.  I may not run 50+ miles a week every week.  Heck, last week it was only 3, but to the epicenter of my sole, I have the heart of a runner, the determination of a runner, the adventure of a runner.  And people hate me for it, I get that.  And as a runner and a child of God, I can handle that and anything else thrown at me.  I have Heavenly Father and my reliable cure-all that sets me straight.  I know what matters, and if I start to question that, I am only 3 to 26.2 miles away from having it figured out.

Running isn't easy.  But running sure makes my life a heck of a lot easier.