I think in the shower.
It’s the perfect place to simply think as I run through the motions of
washing my hair. My thoughts have been
consumed lately with a friend of mine who recently discovered he was
diabetic. He is working on getting his
sugar levels under control before he goes to the doc to hear the inevitable. Meds are no fun to be tied down to, not at
27, not ever. He is sore from his new exercise
routine and he is still trying to get over a cold, making it more difficult to
drag his butt out of bed and hit the elliptical at the crack of dawn. (He did it though!) But I am a problem solver, which is why this occupies
my mind. Not only with this friend, but
with every problem- I search for answers.
My problems, his problems, all problems- there is an answer that awaits,
just waiting to be discovered. Which lead to my discovery:
RUNNING IS MY CURE-ALL.
{Power in pink! Me and Kirsten}
I, too, have been fighting a cold. So yesterday, I laced my Brooks running shoes, put on all my warm winter running gear and hit the roads for 3.5 miles, beating the
congestion right out of my head and snapping my body back into reality. Did it work?
Absolutely! Just like is has for
the past 15 years! The fresh
air, taking deep breathes, waking up my muscles from the drowsiness of a
cold. I felt alive after conquering a
horrific hill and opening my stride as I flew downhill to my destination. And wow!
To spit, the schmaltzy runner spit, into the winds of Wyoming seeing it
carry for so many yards is quite rewarding, I do admit. I was a little fatigued after my wonderful
run, but I felt HUMAN again. I felt free from sickness and snot. I felt rejuvenated. Dude, I just felt so good!
{Me and my son Hyrum}
Not just colds, running is my cure-all for so much
more. I look back at past struggles, like feeling overwhelmed. It happens to me ALL.THE.TIME. Some things are so out of my control, but
those things seem to have so much control over me. It drives me nuts! Like when my husband got laid off- there was
nothing I could do to get his job back.
{Super Awesome Husband Brad and me}
I am a stay at home mom- how do I find a way to replace an engineers income? And you know what, I married a man has the
courage to face this battle with his chest puffed out and do what he can to
fulfill the responsibility he set for himself and not put the burden on me. I had control over grocery budget and not
buying that splendid shirt that is on clearance, but so much was out of my
control. What do I do to handle all the
tension and fear and captivity of financial hardship? I run.
It gives me something I have control over. I control my
speed. I control my
distance. My
breathing. My
thoughts. I zone out from the pattern of my pace and it becomes clear as I look out past the horizon and pray to a loving God, and
hope enters my heart in the solace of a run.
{My and Hyrum running the Dam Race}
Depression, sadness, loneliness, heartache, discouragement… Oh man, I've been through it. Maybe not the exact same situation as
everyone else, but feeling those to the core can eat me a l i v e. I had a race planned a couple days after a
wonderful cousin surprisingly passed away.
{Chase's Funeral}
Hardest run ever. The sadness weighed
on my heart and it showed in my form. With
only a mile left in the 5k, my heart was sunken and my shoulders were
tight. I was having horrible pains in my
back from getting hit by a truck when out running a
couple months prior. I felt so many bad
emotions all wrapped up inside me. I was
sad that my cousin was not alive to raise his small children and pamper his
beautiful wife. I was wretched that I didn't spend the time I wanted to spend
with him. As with every death, I start
missing my sweet mom deeply.
{Me and My mommy}
I was angry
at the guy who naïvely ran into me. I
was mad at the cop who never issued a ticket to him for the hit and run. I was mad at the city for hiring such a cop to enforce the law. The incident
replayed in my mind; seeing the "walk", entering the intersection, the weight of his truck against my left side, my hands
miraculously, almost instinctively, gripping onto his grill for dear life, hearing myself screaming and frantically wondering
why he isn't looking up to see me, why
he isn't stopping! The feeling in my stomach of being on a roller coaster,
carried in a joltingly different direction then I was ready for, a horn honking
to the right as that driver screamed from her SUV. Then he turned, finally
seeing me, in the middle of his truck.
His eyes- HUGE- he obviously had no idea he hit me 10 feet ago. His head jerked up, his hand that once lay relaxed
just out his window also tensed in an upward motion. He must have stopped long enough for me to
get off his truck. The next thing I remember was his tail lights as he drove
off, as I stood in the road. Then the
pain that set in after he hit me was setting in again in my back at that moment,
just like every other run. The insurance and legal mess,
the bills all weighting down on me. On top
of that, I hated where we lived, a small stinky apartment. I longed for a house and yard for my boys. I
missed old friends.
{Murdock 17 with Carolyn}
My heart ached for
my kids who struggled finding new friends in this small town. I was frustrated with my husband’s recent
diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes. All the problems from the past year were drowning
me and the recent death of my cousin Chase just dunked me deeper in the ocean
of doubt and hurt. I felt like I was
being swept away in an under toe of a ruthless life. It was a bad moment. And I was tired. And I was running- and I wasn't feeling the
love. But running does something to
me. It gives me clarity. And at that moment, things started to become
clear.
From feeling like a bus was about
to crash into me to realizing that I had been lifted above the imminent emotional
collision. I realized the strength I had
within me. I could get through
this. These feelings and pains weren't going to hold me down. They weren't
going to slow me down. I've got
this. And I’m not alone. I have a cousin in heaven, who, I felt, was
cheering for me. A mom, who not only
saved me from death by guiding my hands to the grill of the Duramax diesel
truck and giving me the strength to hold on, she was also there encouraging
me. I have a Savior, even Jesus Christ,
who felt all I was feeling. He knew at
that moment all that was crashing down on me inside and He knew my pains. I felt there are generations of ancestors
that cared about me and shouted for joy with my accomplishments and walked, or
ran, by my side in my deepest hour. Finishing that race, was like conquering Mt. Everest in my mind.
Not only did I conquer my 5k that day, I conquered a lot of anger and depression and doubt, and came off a finisher of faith. My perspective might seem crazy to 99.9% of the human race, but
I am a believer. And a runner.
{Carolyn -bff- and me}
Days when I feel down on myself, like I don’t measure up or
looking in the mirror makes me want to cry, I run. It gives me a boost, just like kale in my Jamba
Juice Smoothie. It gives me some
confidence and clarity- that I can
handle this and it’s gonna be ok!
{Did I say 4? I meant 5 crazy boys}
As a mom of four boys, it’s crazy. I love it!
But some days- like when my two year old discovers how seriously cool it
is to whip it out and pee on a basketball in the middle of a gym in front of a
crowd of people, I might feel like a break would be nice. So I run.
{Bryan}
I run with my boys when they had a bad day- it gives us one
on one time to talk it over and figure out what really matters.
{Finishing the Utah Valley Marathon with Kirstin}
I run for good health.
I have energy and endurance because I run. Type 2 diabetes- eat my dust!
{Ina -running partner from 15 years ago and bff-, Me, Hyrum and Maegan -Super awesome SIL-}
I run when I’m happy- those are my best runs. I always feel overjoyed
with love for God, the beauty of nature, the laughter of friends and my amazing
ability to spit so far (just keepin’ it real).
{High school running partners}
I run with so many of my greatest friends. They are some of our best times together. Runs become an adventure! An outlet.
A battery recharger. And it fulfills my need for thrills! Thank goodness!
{Kirstin and I before we started a marathon}
Running is so
much a part of my life and who I am.
{Cross Country photo 15 yrs old}
Obstacles have come in my running vocation. I passed out a number of times as a youth,
and thought I would never be able to run again.
Later I realized it was because emotionally I was going through so much
dealing with my mom having terminal cancer, my body would just give out.
{My mom and Hyrum a few months before she died}
I have had 4 c-sections to come back from, knee problems, stress fractures,
shin splints, toe nails ripped off, hip flexor problems, and that constant
battle scar pain from that Duramax ever looming in my upper back. I've worked through it, treated my injuries
and continued on my path. Life is full
of obstacles, just because my cure-all has obstacles doesn't mean I give
up.
{Carolyn and me}
Running has taught me to not give
up, not when you’re conquering a marathon, not when you’re conquering a trial.
{We just needed to sit after the marathon- cause sometimes after a Marathon or trial, you need a rest}
I will never hesitate to say I am a runner. I may not run 50+ miles a week every week. Heck, last week it was only 3, but to the epicenter
of my sole, I have the heart of a runner, the determination of a runner, the
adventure of a runner. And people hate
me for it, I get that. And as a runner and a child of God, I can handle
that and anything else thrown at me. I have Heavenly Father and my reliable cure-all that
sets me straight. I know what matters,
and if I start to question that, I am only 3 to 26.2 miles away from having it
figured out.
Running isn't easy.
But running sure makes my life a heck of a lot easier.
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